Speaking of not feeling myself tonight...

It has finally come to our attention, after a very long and painful personal struggle, that Lady Gaga's "Bad Romance" is an amazing record.

We will elaborate upon this revelation with a detailed editorial piece explaining exactly why this song is incredible.

Stay tuned.

Here we go again...

Ladies and gentlemen, here is yet another argument of why we think Christina Aguilera is the worst kind of modern popstar.

She's on the verge of unleashing her new album Bionic, and judging by the first single "Not Myself Tonight...good Lord...the signs are not promising.

"Not Myself Tonight" is an overly desperate paean to "being out of control", "if you don't like it fuck you", basically everything Christina's been whining about since Stripped. EIGHT YEARS AGO.

Herein lies our problem with la Aguilera: her constant babbling every time she has a new record out about how it’s a “new sound”, how she’s pushing the envelope when in reality she’s recycling work done by plenty of other people, often times with infinitely better results. This is what she had to say about her current album, Bionic – “I was able to explore and create a fresh, sexy feel using both electronic and organic elements with subject matter ranging from playful to introspective. I am so excited for my fans to hear the new sound. It is something I don't think anyone will expect.”

Yes, Christina, you’re absolutely right, it’s not something anyone would expect. Never mind the fact that other musicians (“musicians”) like Lady Gaga, Timbaland, David Guetta, even Ke$ha (believe us, it was very painful to use her as a reference) have helped to usher in a current wave of dance/electronic-inspired music that has become quite successful in America. No, Christina, we apologize, for YOU had a visionary idea by jumping onto this current bandwagon. Never mind the fact that Kylie Minogue and Madonna have sold millions of records for decades off of this sound while barely breaking a sweat.

One of her producers, Tricky Stewart, even went so far as to say this about Bionic – “With Christina it's a little different, because Christina wants music that you haven't heard before. She did things that she's never necessarily heard on the radio. She doesn't want a record that sounds like anything else so you're trying to create an entirely new sound for an artist.”

This one quote in particular just really gets under our skin – “Christina did things that she’s never necessarily heard on the radio.” OH, THAT'S FUNNY, I COULD'VE SWORN "NOT MYSELF TONIGHT" SOUNDED EXACTLY LIKE SOMETHING FROM LADY GAGA'S OR BRITNEY SPEARS' LAST ALBUMS. MY MISTAKE.

So in case you all were wondering why we have such a vehement hatred towards the Aguilera and all that she stands for, we hope this shed a very helpful light on all of that.

*EXPLODES*

That, ladies and gentleman, was the brand new Kylie Minogue single, "All The Lovers".

If we had to compare it to previous Kylie hits, we'd perhaps describe it as a cross between "I Believe In You", "Spinning Around" and "The One". Basically, three of her finest tunes.

"All The Lovers" is as euphoric and elegant as any Kylie fan could hope for her major comeback single to be. There is none of this underwhelming, "let's put on a good face and try to like it simply because it's Kylie" feeling that we had when we heard "2 Hearts" as the taster single for her last album. None of that at all. This is our third time listening to "All The Lovers" in the past 10 minutes, and we can say with full confidence that this is exactly the sort of record we hoped Kylie would return with. It's not going to change the world, it's certainly not as revolutionary as "Can't Get You Out of My Head", but in comparison to the relatively lackluster material on display on X, "All The Lovers" is a triumphant "return to form" (let's be honest, the last time Kylie did something other than dance-pop was back in 1998) and is already one of 2010's finest singles. What a fantastic way to start the summer.

Go ahead and put the above video clip on repeat. Don't be ashamed.

Not a cruel summer at all...

Viewers, this is looking to be a strong summer for pop music. Here are a few examples of why.

Alphabeat "DJ"
This army of Danish pop soldiers knocked out a fairly good song, "Fascination", a couple of years back. Their latest album, The Beat Is..., explores a more "synthy", Europop side with some fantastic results. The new single "DJ" (also called "I Could Be Dancing", for those of you who can't remember proper song titles) is precisely the sort of feel-good song you want to hear on a lush summer evening by the pool. It's optimistic and relentlessly catchy, and in these times who doesn't want to hear music of that nature?




M.I.A. "XXXO"
Two years since she jetted from the blogosphere to the top 10 with the ubiquitous "Paper Planes", everyone's favorite Sri Lankan popstar is back with a new record. The single "XXXO" is a dark, throbbing piece of electropop that takes a different step from her trademark hip-hop-meets-world-music sound, and yet it sounds exactly like the sort of song you'd expect from M.I.A. This should be massive.



Mini Viva "One Touch"
This song was released on Monday and its chart results are less than stunning, which will sadly mark the second flop single in a row from Mini Viva. Which means they will probably be dropped from their label, or certainly eschewed to the back of their promotion line, and that means that we might possibly not get to hear a full-length Mini Viva album later this year. Which is certainly a disappointment as their three singles have all been fantastic and an album full of Xenomania-helmed Mini Viva songs would be guaranteed to knock any pop fan's socks off. That being said, we're throwing Mini Viva a bone here by naming "One Touch" one of the songs to enjoy this forthcoming summer with.




Kylie Minogue "The New Album"
Much to our impatient dismay, we've heard nothing of Kylie's forthcoming single "All The Lovers" other than an instrumental snippet that promises to be quite good. We think Kylie's brand of dance-pop music is the perfect soundtrack for this time of year, and we're looking forward to Aphrodite being the album that really sets summer 2010 alight.